Jokes in English

Jokes in English

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The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat.
Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away.
“What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him “What was the name of his other leg?”

The doctor to the patient: ‘You are very sick’
The patient to the doctor: ‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The doctor again: ‘Yes, you are very ugly too…’


A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.


Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.”




A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”
Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”
Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”
Patrick, “What school?”

Mom, where do tampons go?”
“Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In a stork???!!!”
A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
“What’s the matter? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m okay. It’s just that I hate to see an old lady standing.”




A man was complaining to a railroad engineer.
What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The railroad engineer replied.
How would we know they were late, if we didn’t have a schedule?

A: “I was born in California.”
B: “Which part?”
A: “All of me.”
A: “Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?”
B: “No, I’m sorry I don’t.”
A: “Well, it’s two blocks this way, then one block to the left.”

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